“Hello. Meet Use A Condom. An everyday teenager who you’d meet across the street. Normal, Polite, and a precious little gem -- everything you want a young boy to be.”- is what Use A Condom’s mother would tell ANYONE she’d meet.
“Then, why does he have such an awful name?” Asks Anyone.
“Oh, you see, you know his dad, as he used to spread these social messages, he saw it prudent to have a social message for his son’s name. Besides, it’s a noble cause. We’ve suffered humiliation like this for many years. Still, we are keeping this name as a living memory of his dad. So, I’d rather you stop calling this noble name of his awful.” Replies Use A Condom’s mother.
Yes, Mr. Reader. Despicable, though the question was, Use A Condom’s mother was indeed lying. OK, don’t believe me. But believe this. I’m gonna take you 77 years and 21 days back.
A winter night.
A baby, the size of a well, I honestly don’t know was born in some hospital in some city. Two days after the baby was born, even before the boy was christened a name, the boy’s dad fell fatally ill.
In his dying moments, his wife was beside him, er, obviously. (:D) She was weeping, er, understandably.
Wiping the tears hastily, She asks her husband(hysterically):” WHAT AM I GONNA DO?! HOW AM I GOING TO RAISE THIS CHILD? HOW CAN I RESIST THE TEMPTATION OF HAVING A SECOND CHILD IN LIFE? WHAT DO I NAME HIM?”
The husband, forgive him for he was in his dying moments, says:”Use…A…Condom!” Then and there, the poor man breathed his last.
Well, I think, we both can agree that the dad was addressing the 3rd in the series of questions. But poor Condom mom (As I am going to refer her from now on, for lack of a better name) thought that this was giving the answer to the last of those questions. And there, Use a Condom was born. By the time Condom Mom realized her mistake, all was in order and nothing could be done.(Well, don’t ask me why nothing could be done. This is just a story duffer. Keep reading or fuck off.)
Use a Condom had a pretty uneventful first year in the world a condom would have prevented him from entering. Well, he did do everything fast. He chewed on fingers, he could stand at 8 months and speak at 10 months. Use A Condom was a little young man of moods, cried when sad, laughed when happy.(No, his moods weren’t flavored.)
Other than a few instances when baby Use A Condom accidentally milked a cow he saw next door(Don’t ask me what he was trying to do with the cow) and had milk spilt all over him and when he had killed a cat, his childhood went pretty okay. Uneventful. And Calm. Not until Use A Condom had joined Kindergarten did the 70 year long fiasco begin.
Little Kids Kindergarten. Condom Mom holds tight of Condom son’s hand while on the way to little kids. There, he met Professor Kindergarten, his first Kindergarten principal cum teacher cum guide.(Yes, he had a lot of cum to himself. No puns.)
“What is your name, cutie pie?” Asks Professor Kindergarten in a Bieber-ish voice.
“Use a condom.” Says Use a condom.
“Of course I will. (In a whisper to Condom Mom: He watches too much TV, doesn’t he?) What’s your name son?”
“Use a condom.” Repeats Use A Condom.
“Alarming. Okay, what are your interests?” asks Professor Kindergarten.
“I like to dig holes in the grass.”
“I’m sorry Condom mom, I will have to deny your son admission. He should have passed college right now. His behavior is unruly and his words, disgusting.”
“But Sir, he likes to dig holes in the grass in our lawn outside!” replies Condom Mom.
“Oh! A likely story! You’re the daughter and he’s the father here, lady!”
“Sir, for god’s sakes, his name is Use A Condom!!! And he spoke to you with the innocence of a 5 year old child.” Shouts Condom Mom.
“Oh, really! Let me see how dirtily your son can write a letter to a couple who are going on a honeymoon. Maybe then, I’ll decide if he’s Use A Condom or not! I suppose he can write?” says Professor Kindergarten hotly.
(Condom Mom tells Use a condom who is now, sulking in a corner of the room what he has to do. Use A condom slowly takes a pencil from his SpongeBob pencil box and starts writing.)
“Dear couple, have fun on your trip to Disney Land. I hope it is fantastic there. Come back home safely. Wish you a safe journey. Don’t get into any trouble. Sincerely, Use A Condom.”
It wasn’t easy for Condom Mom to prove that this was innocent. It took her no less than 1 hour of her time and 1 lakh rupees to get her son an admission into Kindergarten.
And there is the first of his million fiascos. I will report back in time with the second and much more if people keep me alive after reading this. (though I’m already dead.)
Reporting from heaven,
Condom Dad.(Don’t ask me why I don’t know my wife’s name. If you do, you suck.)
